Almost Famous

“Excuse me sir.”

“Yes, hello.”

“You look like someone famous. A movie star.”

“Really?”

I’ll pause the dialogue at this point.  Firstly to explain that I’m positive I don’t look like anyone famous.  But let’s not kid ourselves, it’s flattering if someone tells you that.  Flattering enough that you want to continue the conversation just to find out which dashing movie star you might resemble.  In all truth I would have preferred to be likened to a rock star.  I’ve always harboured a secret desire to be the lead singer of a rock band – someone who could smash out a decent power ballad to a moshing crowd, but be just as at home wooing the ladies with soothing acoustic tones.

So cool…to be able to do two things at once. Imagine.

You know, someone like Chris Cornell or Dallas Green – people who don’t need to be able to play an instrument, but can just because they’re cool and can do anything – people who can drink a bottle of whiskey and still remember all the words to a song.  The only song I can remember the words to after a few beers is “Sweet Child O’ Mine” by Guns N’ Roses.  And that isn’t very helpful at karaoke – I can’t sing and even if I could, I’m not cool enough to pull it off.  But I digress.

It was my first trip to Shanghai.  We’d arrived late and had decided to have a quiet drink at the hotel bar before turning in.  One of the Chinese bar staff had cornered me to kindly point out;

“Yes, you look like that famous American actor.  The one in lots of action movies.”

“Brad Pitt? I get that a lot.” I don’t, but I was enjoying myself.

“No, no – he does lots of fighting action movies. Ahh I know, it’s Jason Statham!  I thought you were him, you look just like him.  I think you would do very well with the ladies!”

“Oh…really?”

This isn’t me…although the body is close.

I didn’t have the heart to correct him on Jason Statham’s nationality, nor on that fact that I look nothing like him and have an Australian accent.  The only thing being close to a likeness with his comparison was that I hadn’t shaved for a few days and that I did well with the ladies (in my younger days).  Just kidding…I’d actually shaved that morning.

It’s nothing new that Asians think that westerners all look alike.  But with a fascination of western films and the increased ease of access to these movies, every westerner suddenly becomes a possible celebrity.  Particularly in more remote cities that don’t see many waiguoren.  Friends of ours were telling us recently of their visit to a Chinese city where they had been mistaken for a famous couple.  Being one of few foreigners in the city, they had already received their fair share of attention during their stay, but on one particular ferry trip things got a bit out of hand.  The local Chinese on the ferry had begun crowding around them and things were getting heated as people started to push and shove each other out of the way to gain access to take photographs.  It being the middle of winter, our friends were rugged up to combat the cold with heavy jackets, scarves and hats.  They also had sunglasses on – the large fashionable type.  Worriedly they asked their Chinese host why things were so manic on the ferry with all of the attention.  Highly embarrassed, their host explained that people thought they were Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes!

Help us out a bit here Tom…keep your hat on mate.

Scenes from the Mission Impossible movie had been shot in Shanghai and it was known that the celebrity couple had been in the country.  Our friends got a bit of a giggle out of it and decided to stay behind the hats and sunglasses – mercifully for the local crowd because without his hat, the Tom Cat fraud is actually completely bald!  The revealing of the unlikeliness to Tom Cruise may have caused a riot.

As I recently sat in the open plan of a Hong Kong office, a Chinese employee approached and handed me a piece of paper.

“Excuse me, are you him?”

…And this isn’t me either.

It was the picture of Neil Patrick Harris I’ve attached to the left.  Admittedly I was in a suit…but that’s where similarities end.  Consider how alike Jason Statham and Neil Patrick Harris are and you’ll get the picture of how broad the celebrity comparisons can be.  So I’m wondering how this could work in my favour…to live out the rock star fantasy.  If the Chinese aren’t too worried about the details of how close westerners actually resemble a celebrity, then maybe they won’t be too worried about how poorly I sing.  Surely I could just jump on stage at some club and imagine being adored by the crowd as I thrashed out a few unharmonious numbers before the bouncers got me.  I did once dance on stage in front of about a hundred people in Beijing.  It was after a belly dancer had called me up to join her. I was a hit with the Chinese men in the crowd.  Or was it the bikini-clad dancer?  Whatever – rock on China!